WHY I HATE ROUTINES (&WHAT TO DO INSTEAD)
Some of you have written in asking me about how to initiate & stick with healthy habits. I personally have a love-hate relationship with routines & habits. Sometimes they feel liberating and cozy— other times they feel sticky and confining. I am often left to question this myself: how does one form new habits if they hate routine? Is it even possible? Or are we doomed for a life of chaos and confusion? As such, I’d like to frame this conversation to look at it from a 10,000 ft perspective and to embrace the nuance of it: routines and habits as being something that we can simultaneously love and hate.
Starting from square one: one of the habits I set for myself this year was to read more. Since I don't always have the time to read as many books as I would like, Shortform is my go-to for detailed book summaries. If you have not already, go check them out now(!)
Now, I want you to take a moment to reflect on whether or not your daily habits (little or big) getting in the way of or supporting your success. If your life is “not what you want it to look like”, I would venture to guess it's your habits – both unconscious and conscious-- that have something to do with it.
Many of you may be familiar with James Clear’s book Atomic Habits. It’s one of my personal favorites and the inspiration for today’s post where I am going to share a few powerful concepts about habit and routine as well as my own personal interpretations and applications of these concepts. Atomic Habits, or as I like to call them, micro-routines, are little tiny things in between your big events that you really don’t pay much attention to, but when compounded on one another have the potential to radically change your life, for the better or worse. Good habits = increased mental clarity, more free time to enjoy life, and a better awareness of what makes you feel good. Bad habits = dissatisfaction, disconnection from self & others, and poor concentration. The thing is, most people are not even aware of their in-between habits, so it’s hard to know what is working and what is not.
When you learn how to bring awareness to these micro-routines, you will begin to notice a massive transformation in your life. This is a beautiful thing because change does not need to be as radical and aggressive as you might think. At the end of the day, behavioral change is less about taking massive action, and more so about making these tiny behavioral tweaks that over time compound and create profound changes.
I have been practicing these 'micro-rooutines' on myself for a while now. What I’ve noticed is that it takes time. Period. You are not going to notice a radical change in perspective or well-being right away. For some (eh, for most) of us, this is where we give up. We want the results yesterday. We want to be thinner, more beautiful, more wealthy, and happier NOW. The thing is, this is just not how real-life change comes about.
Atomic Habits reminded me of something really important: in order to push through when you are not seeing immediate results you need to embrace habits that are based on IDENTITY as opposed to ones that are based on a specific GOAL. What does that mean? It is important to start with identity as opposed to goal-driven habits because they will resonate with your values and when you tie your goals to values, a new energy force is born. It becomes less about the habit and more about the value (and, it works!). Some guiding questions you might want to consider asking yourself when trying to create new habits would be:
what type of person am I trying to become?
Who do you want to be in this world?
What makes me feel most lit up?
These identity-based questions are going provide you with deeper resonance than goal-driven questions like “how do I lose 10 pounds by the end of January”. If you adopt a new habit to serve the purpose of fulfilling a specific goal; one that is finite or limited in nature, you are going to stop when have hit the goal or when you fail to meet the goal in the time you thought it would take. If you adopt a habit to align with an identity or a value your progress, commitment, and action toward that goal will be virtually unlimited. Instead of setting your goal as ‘I want to lose 10 pounds by the end of January’, you would set your intention to ‘be the healthiest version of myself’ and in doing so, the 10 pounds will shed naturally. When you start with IDENTITY, your goals will naturally take care of themselves. As always, if what I am sharing resonates with you, you can read more about this concept on Shortform.
So how do you ACTUALLY stick with habits and routines? What are some practical life applications that will help you initiate change? Allow me to explain:
TIP 1: Believe You Can Change
This is probably the most profound nugget of information I could ever share with you. Many people trip themselves up before they even begin because they fundamentally don’t believe they can change. If you don’t believe it is possible to change, what is the point of embarking on a new path? (rhetorical question). The answer is, you probably won’t. In my mind, this all boils down to having a growth vs. fixed mindset. If you are not quite sure which one you have, here are a few questions you can ask yourself to figure it out/ help you move closer to having a growth mindset.
1. What does it feel like in your body when you are confronted with something new? Do you feel a contraction or an expansion?
2. Learn how to harness the power of the word “yet”. It’s all always a work in progress.
3. Actively seek situations that will make you learn something new. This will feel uncomfortable but will help you expand in ways unimaginable to your current human mind.
4. Make mistakes. Even better, seek out situations where you will make mistakes.
5. Ask for feedback.
Tip 2: Identify the Behavior You Want to Change
In order to go from unhappy- just merely getting by to alive and thriving you must first become aware of how you are using your time. You need to become aware of the behavior before you can see how it’s impacting your life. I.e., you will never fully understand how much social media addiction and mindless scrolling impact your life if you are not even aware of how much you are doing it. As such, I recommend you start a behavior tracking log. You don’t have to do it for long, just spend a few days tracking what you do every ½ hour, just so you know where your time is actually going. It might seem a bit laborious (and it is), but when I did this, I was shocked to learn how much time I spend futzing around my house, getting distracted & avoiding tasks I didn’t want to do. I learned that browsing amazon was my coping strategy and that I vacuum my living room instead of sending out emails. I challenge you to do the same. Simply becoming aware of how you use your “idle” time is going to be the biggest game changer.
Tip 3: Stack Behaviors
This method is designed to help you remember to do your new habits. The way it works is simple; you attach your new habit to an already existing habit that is hard-wired into your brain. For example, if your goal is to meditate but you always forget to do it, I recommend attaching this new habit of meditation to something you already do like brushing your teeth. For the two minutes, you are bruising your teeth make a commitment to be fully present in the moment and implement a breathing exercise like box breathing to calm and regulate your nervous system. If you are trying to drink more water, same thing, place a cup next to the sink so that every time you walk into the kitchen you take a sip of water. The formula is simple, it goes like this:
Before/After (insert current habit), I will (insert new habit).
Some examples include:
· After I take my first sip of coffee in the morning, I will sit and journal for 5 minutes.
· After I get out of bed in the morning, I will change into my workout clothes.
· Right after I sit down at the dinner table, I will share one thing I’m grateful for.
** This is my abbreviated version of habit stacking-- you can read about this in more detail here: Shortform
Tip 4: Little Rewards.
The essence of this tip is to reward yourself & celebrate the little wins— because, it’s the little wins that add up to create big things. Most of the time we move from a to b to c on autopilot rarely pausing to take in the moment. When you consciously pause and celebrate, even if it’s just the littlest thing, your brain and body will start to get excited and eventually expect the reward. In your mind, you will start to anticipate the reward (kinda like Pavlov’s salivating dog from psych 101), unconsciously making the new habit feel more fun and attractive. For example, if you are trying to start a new exercise routine but are struggling to stick with it, try rewarding yourself with something small and enjoyable right after you workout. The reward is going to be different for everyone because we are all motivated by different things. Some of the things I started doing to increase the amount of “work concentration” periods in my day would be to pour myself a mug of hot chocolate after I completed a work cycle. I know it sounds small and silly, and yes this was a lot of hot chocolate at first, but what happened was, I reprogrammed my mind to want to increase my work cycles because I was unconsciously looking forward to the burst of dopamine that would come from the reward. The key is to make it fun!
Tip 5: Make it Easy
This is a kicker. Another very powerful way to improve the likelihood that a new habit will stick is to make it easier! Ironic, right? We’ve been taught that in order to ‘get ahead’ & be successful we must ‘paddle against the stream’ and ‘plow through when things are hard’. (I don’t believe this to be true.) It is human nature to want to do things that are easy and ignore things that take effort. I know that I can easily go through the 10 simple items on my to-do list and then procrastinate on the one big task that will take a few hours to complete. In order to be successful with habit initiation, the goal is to make the habit as effortless as humanly possible. So how do you do that?
#1 Remove the obstacles. If your goal is to wake up and work out, set out your workout clothes next to your bed so you put them on immediately after waking up. Remove as many of the physical, and sometimes mental, obstacles as you can.
#2 Break it down into chunks – in keeping with the working-out theme. If your goal is to exercise for an hour every day, but you never seem to find the time to set your things aside for a full hour. Commit to a 20-minute walk first thing in the morning, a 20-minute walk after work before you get in the car to go home, and a 20-minute core workout before bed. When you chunk the desired habit down into small bite-sized tasks it is easier to be successful and easier to stay motivated.
#3 Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. Again with the exercise theme-- if you are trying to work out for an hour every day and you truly only have 15 minutes of free time one day, do a 15-minute home workout with weights and a yoga mat rather than nothing at all. We often convince ourselves that “the thing” is not worth doing if we can’t give it 110%, but the reality is, the consistency, the showing up for it frequently and the burst of dopamine you will get from going through the motions will keep the spirit alive.
At the end of the day, creating new habits is all about self-awareness. It’s about learning who you are & what motivates you (not what society has told you is motivating). Once you truly understand what makes you tick, the habits themselves will fall into place naturally and become a fun self-fulfilling process.
I want to close out by having an honest discussion on the topic of consistency. What I have come to realize is not everyone is designed for it (I know I am not). I thrive best when I do not have a routine and when I can move freely throughout my day. If I have things on my schedule that I must do at the same time, every single day, it stresses me out. Whereas for others, structure and routine provide freedom. It actually took me longer than I’d like to admit to understand that flexibility/fluidity was M.O. and that structure/routine hinder me. I urge you to take some time to figure out which type you are. It wasn’t until I fully understood my human design that this information really clicked. **If you would like some guidance on this subject you can book a 1:1 session with me to figure out how to harness your energy type, kick-start new habits & up-level your life.
If you would like to continue down this path of self-actualization & self-improvement, here are some additional books to read:
- Barking up the Wrong Tree, by Eric Barker
- Outwitting the Devil, by Napoleon Hill
- The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks
- Principles, by Ray Dalio
- Never Split The Difference, by Chriss Voss
- Ikigai, by Héctor García And Francesc Miralles
(You can read all of the detailed book summaries here on Shortform).
These days, I read anywhere from 2-4 books a week on Shortform. It is by far the most comprehensive book-reading app on the market! If you’d like to check them out, you can do so (risk-free) by starting a 5-day free trial when you sign up using this link: shortform.com/jenn. For a limited time only, they are offering my audience an additional 20% off the annual membership — if you have a thirst for knowledge & enjoy reading non-fiction as much as I do, I can not recommend this platform enough. I am busy, busy, busy & don’t always have the time to read all the books on my list, would never be able to get through 4 books a week if I were to read the whole book), so It is nice to have the option to read the detailed summary instead. I encourage you to take advantage of this offer, it won’t be around much longer.
Love you all, and thanks for reading!
Jenn